Setting Boundaries – Self-Care Not Selfishness

Summary: Healthy boundaries are not walls, but contact surfaces. They don't separate, but make genuine encounter possible – with ourselves and with others. This article shows how you can learn to set clear boundaries through body awareness and conscious communication – in relationships, with children, and at work.

1 | Boundaries as a Psychological Foundation

Boundaries are a universal psychological principle – they structure our experience, our self, and our relationships.

Whether in contact with partners, children, or in professional settings: The ability to perceive, communicate, and maintain healthy personal boundaries is always based on the same internal processes.

In psychology, personal boundaries can be understood as the interface between "I" and "You" – that is, the conscious awareness of where my space ends and another's begins. As a practitioner for Psychotherapy with a holistic-humanistic approach, I pay particular attention to the body and body awareness to explain psychological phenomena and offer exercises for setting boundaries.

2 | Embodiment – Boundaries Begin in the Body

A modern approach to boundaries can be found in the Embodiment approach, which assumes that body and psyche are inseparably connected. Our boundaries are not purely mental constructs, but lived, tangible experiences.

Pressure on the chest, tension in the shoulders, a trembling jaw, a punch to the stomach, or an inner "stop" feeling are physical signals that indicate our boundary is being touched or crossed.

• A tightness in the chest can indicate that we feel overwhelmed.
• Pressure in the stomach or shallow breathing can be a sign that we are "enduring" something instead of staying in contact.
• A feeling of spaciousness or warmth often shows that we are in harmonious contact.

Many people have learned to overlook or suppress such sensations – out of fear of appearing sensitive, weak, or "too emotional." And at the same time, they believe they must quickly push away this very unpleasant feeling in order to react. Parents, for example, who react immediately and unrestrained to children's behavior, which can then lead to extreme counter-reactions such as anger, crying, or running away.

In truth, however, it is exactly the opposite:

Those who perceive their physical signals take responsibility for themselves – and this is the first step to genuine inner strength. And: The gap that arises between perception and one's own reaction is precisely the opportunity to choose one's own communication, to not be at its mercy.

This shows that boundaries don't first arise in the mind, but are experienced in the body – and only then find expression in language or action. Embodiment researchers Wolfgang Tschacher and Thomas Fuchs describe self-perception and physical resonance as the foundation for being able to authentically engage in relationships without losing oneself.

They thus connect to the concept of mindfulness: being present in the current moment – with everything that shows itself. Especially under pressure or stress, this seems difficult because old protective patterns take over. But presence is trainable by schooling our awareness of the body. Every moment in which we pause, feel, breathe, and perceive ourselves again is a step toward more self-care and inner clarity.

If you now notice that you would prefer a quick tip like "What can I say so that my boundary isn't crossed?" or "How can I verbally set a boundary with my child?", then I must ask you for patience at this point. Without self-awareness, recited sentences don't help. The other person senses whether the boundary is a defense or counter-pressure. How do they react to that? Of course, with a new boundary. And then everything starts over again.

So: PATIENCE!

3 | Boundaries as Contact Function – Gestalt Therapy

In Gestalt therapy, developed in the 1940s by Fritz Perls, Laura Perls, and Paul Goodman, the concept of boundary is understood very centrally – not as a separating line, but as a contact function.

Gestalt therapy describes humans as an open system that is constantly in relationship with the environment. "Contact" occurs precisely at the boundary between organism and environment – where the "I" meets the "You."

The boundary is therefore not a fence, but a living membrane. It enables encounter, exchange, and withdrawal. It shapes our capacity for relationships.

When this contact boundary is too permeable or too rigid, we lose balance: We lose ourselves in the other – or isolate ourselves too much. This is why simply SAYING NO is a separating way of setting boundaries. It may be necessary (I am not considering serious assaults or violent situations here!), but we don't achieve change. We only experience contact pain. And possibly the other person as well. If we set boundaries incorrectly or not at all, strong self-doubt can arise as a consequence, permanently burdening life.

The capacity for relationships arises when we slow down a situation to then feel our own needs and recognize the needs of the other. From these two processes emerges what I want to communicate to the other.

How Boundary-Setting is Experienced

Children set boundaries with adults through screaming, anger, withdrawal, defiance, or aggressive behavior. Adults then set boundaries with them through impulsive reactions, demeaning words, or loud scolding.

The same applies in couple relationships: if you can't interrupt the automatic reaction cycle to certain statements or specific behavior of your partner, patterns form in the couple relationship that can then lead to unhealthy communication and tensions. Contact with the other has become pain.

Boundaries without understanding are like a separation where you don't understand the reason. That's why it's so important to set healthy and understandable boundaries. Because they make relationships possible by allowing needs to be understood and responded to adequately.

If you feel overwhelmed in your relationship issues or parenting alone, Psychological Counseling can be helpful support.

3.1 | Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Setting boundaries in relationships is one of the most demanding interpersonal tasks – because closeness and autonomy must be maintained simultaneously. Many people fear that by setting boundaries in the relationship, they will endanger the partnership or be perceived as selfish.

But the opposite is true: Those who cannot set healthy boundaries in a relationship lose themselves – and thus also the ability for genuine encounter.

Why Healthy Boundaries Strengthen Relationships

In couple relationships, conflicts often arise when one or both partners permanently hold back their own needs. Instead of being able to set clear boundaries, they remain silent, evade, or react aggressively. This leads to patterns that become entrenched: One demands, the other withdraws. Or both fight for control without truly being in contact with each other.

Especially in toxic relationships, setting boundaries is essential for survival. Toxic dynamics are characterized by boundaries being systematically crossed, disregarded, or ridiculed. Anyone who wants to learn to set and maintain their own boundaries in a toxic relationship often needs professional support to avoid falling back into old patterns.

How Boundaries Succeed in Relationships

• Setting boundaries without hurting: Instead of making accusations ("You always…"), name your own boundary: "I notice that this is becoming too much for me. I need…"
• Setting boundaries in the relationship does not mean distancing yourself from the other, but making contact with yourself

: "I want to be close to you – and for that I also need space for myself."

• Setting boundaries and letting go: Accept that the partner may have their own boundaries without me having to feel rejected.

Setting boundaries in a relationship means loving maturely: with clarity, respect, and the willingness to stay in contact – even when it's uncomfortable.

4 | Self-Training with Your Own Body Reactions

Back to the body. From our posture, facial expressions, and gestures, both children and adults can intuitively sense and read how we relate to them, how we are doing in the current moment. The body thus conveys not only information about our own feelings, but also information about the relationship.

It is to be understood as a resonance space inward for emotional processes and outward as a relationship sensor.

The first important step in perceiving your own boundaries is to perceive and let be your own physical expression without immediately changing or evaluating it. Always keep in mind that the other person, whether small or large, also perceives this boundary!

If we feel tightness, trembling, or fatigue, for example, these sensations may initially simply be. In body awareness, we must block out our thoughts or reactions to these sensations. This is part of self-training.

In accepting these sensations, self-contact arises – and with it the ability to sense boundaries before they are violated. Maintaining self-contact, especially with unpleasant sensations, is the first exercise. Once this is safely practiced, the path to securely setting boundaries can continue.

4.1 | Exercise: Sensing Self-Contact

Here is the first exercise for self-contact. Take 10 minutes daily for 2 weeks. You will notice a change! All exercises are in "you" form.

1️⃣ Find a Comfortable Position

• Sit on a chair or lie down.
• Place both feet firmly on the ground.
• Let your hands rest loosely on your thighs or beside your body.
• Close your eyes if possible.

Tip: Breathe deeply in and out 2-3 times to arrive.

2️⃣ Explore the Body as Boundary

• Direct your attention to your skin and the outside of your body – where you "separate yourself from space."
• Consciously notice:
  • Which body parts feel tight, firm, or tense?
  • Which parts feel loose, open, or light?

Reminder: All sensations are not a sign of weakness, but important information about your needs and boundaries.

3️⃣ Perceive Feelings Without Judging

• Ask yourself internally:
  • "What feelings are emerging now?"
  • "Where do I perhaps feel restlessness, tightness, fear, or tension?"
• Simply notice the sensations without wanting to change them.
• Think: Feelings are not a threat – they only show where my boundary lies.

4️⃣ Use Movement

• Lift your shoulders slightly, let them drop again.
• Stretch your arms out without building tension, and bring them back.
• Place your hand on your chest or stomach and feel how the boundary moves when breathing.

Observe:

• Which position gives you stability and security?
• Where does opening feel pleasant, where rather unpleasant?

5️⃣ Conclusion and Integration

• Breathe deeply in and out 2-3 more times.
• Slowly open your eyes.
• Take a moment to notice how clearer, more stable, or more relaxed you feel now.
• If you wish, briefly write down:
  • Where did I clearly feel my boundary?
  • Where did I perhaps suppress feelings?
  • What small signals can I pay attention to in everyday life?

4.2 | Sensing Boundaries in Everyday Life – Maintaining Self-Contact in Stressful Situations

We often only realize in hindsight that we have crossed our boundaries – for example, in an argument with a partner, stress at work, or hectic family situations. The goal is to remain present during the situation instead of being overwhelmed by emotions.

1️⃣ Arriving Despite Stress

• Stop internally for a moment, even if only 5-10 seconds.
• Breathe consciously in and out.
• Feel your feet on the ground or your contact with the chair/surface.

This is called grounding in embodiment approaches – physically grounding yourself before reacting.

2️⃣ Establishing Self-Contact

• Direct your attention to your body: shoulders, chest, stomach.
• Ask yourself internally: "Where do I sense my boundary right now?"
  • Tightness in chest → Emotional burden
  • Tension in neck → Overwhelm or pressure
  • Tingling, restlessness → Attention to the moment

Reminder: Feelings = Signals, not threats. They only show where your boundaries are being touched.

• If necessary, place a hand on your chest or stomach to strengthen the connection to yourself.
• Feel how breath and body stabilize you – you are still present in your body, even if there's stress outside.

3️⃣ Brief Physical Mini-Exercises

If the situation allows, you can incorporate small movements to consciously perceive the boundary:

• Roll shoulders slightly backward → opens the chest, brings clarity
• Briefly stretch arms or open and close hands → shows the current tension zone
• Breathe deeply into the belly → brings grounding and calm back

These mini-exercises are like signal amplifiers for your own boundary. They remind you that you always have a contact point with yourself.

4️⃣ Inner Clarity and Action

When you feel your boundary has been reached:

• Say internally "Stop" or "I need space right now."
• Consider what action is appropriate:
  • Take a brief pause
  • Create inner distance
  • Find clear words for your own feeling and need
  • Perceive your counterpart: From what need is your counterpart acting? What exactly triggers the contact pain? Try to name it.

Important: Self-contact does not mean automatic reaction, but perception and decision-making power.

4.3 | Setting Boundaries with Words

If you now feel secure in coming into your own self-contact and staying present even under stress, you can practice setting boundaries with words in the following step, while remaining in relationship with your counterpart.

When you feel tightness in your chest (emotional burden)

(You feel hurt, sad, or overwhelmed in the conversation)

With Adults:

• "I notice this topic is burdening me right now. I need a moment to breathe."
• "I want to interrupt the conversation briefly – this is becoming too much for me."
• "I can't take this in right now, can we continue talking later?"
• "I notice this topic is making me sad right now. I need a moment to calm down."

After each boundary-setting, it's advisable to suggest how and when the conversation will resume so the relationship doesn't break off.

With Teenagers:

• "I notice this conversation is becoming too much for me. I don't want a fight, I need some distance. Then I can gather my thoughts better."
• "I'm sad or hurt right now – let's continue talking later when I'm calmer."
• "I notice I'm emotionally quite full right now. I want to calm down before I say something I'll regret."
• "I want to listen to you, but right now I'm too agitated."

It's often helpful to arrange a concrete new time (e.g., in 15 minutes) for a conversation and change locations so you can start fresh. Simply changing rooms is also enough.

With Elementary School Children:

• "I notice I'm sad/angry right now. I need a moment to calm down again."
• "I like you, but I'm not calm enough right now to speak nicely."
• "I notice this is becoming too much for me. I need a moment to calm down."
• "I'm sad or tense, and I want to breathe first before we continue talking."
• "I really like you, but I can't listen well right now. Let's continue in five minutes."

It's very helpful to suggest an activity for elementary school children to bridge the time so they can also reach a more relaxed state during the waiting period until the conversation resumes.

With Toddlers:

• "Mom/Dad is sad right now. I need to breathe briefly, then I'll be back."
• "I'm tired right now, I need a brief pause."

➡️ Effect: You show that you take responsibility for your feelings. The child senses: Mom/Dad is having a hard time, but they remain loving and honest.

With tension in the neck and overwhelm or pressure

(You feel stressed, controlled, too much responsibility, or noise)

With Adults:

• "I notice this is too much for me at once. I need a pause to think clearly."
• "This is too much for me at once right now. I need some time to sort this out."
• "I feel pressured – I want to decide this at my own pace."
• "I can't accomplish all of this simultaneously, I have to postpone something."

With Teenagers:

• "I'm overwhelmed right now. I don't want to nag you – I need some quiet before we continue talking."
• "I notice pressure in me – I need time to discuss this properly."

With Elementary School Children:

• "I'm stressed right now. I need to breathe deeply before I help you."
• "I notice my head is full – I need a moment to calm down again."
• "I notice I'm getting stressed. Let's do this more slowly."
• "I need a moment to think – please wait a moment."

With Toddlers:

• "Mom/Dad is tired. I need to rest briefly, then we'll continue playing. Would you like to rest with me or play with your toys until I come back?"
• "I need a brief pause, then I'll be back. Would you like to draw a picture in the meantime?"

Effect: The child experiences that overwhelm isn't dangerous – you can name it without hurting anyone. And while following your own need, the child may continue a different activity. This keeps the situation flowing and doesn't block it.

When you feel tingling or restlessness (distraction, sensory overload)

With Adults:

• "I notice I'm restless – can we get some fresh air?"
• "I need a moment to come back to myself."
• "I hear you, but my head is too full right now. Let's take a brief break."

With a Child:

• "I notice I'm restless – I need to breathe deeply, then I can listen to you better."
• "I'm having trouble concentrating right now, let's take a deep breath together."
• "I want to listen to you, but my head is loud right now. Give me just a moment."

5 | Learning to Set Boundaries – A Process, Not a State

Learning to set boundaries is not a skill you acquire once and then master forever. It is an ongoing process of self-perception, reflection, and practice. Anyone who wants to learn to set boundaries needs one thing above all: patience with themselves.

Why do so many people find it difficult to set boundaries?

The reasons often lie in one's own biography:

• Early imprinting: Anyone who learned as a child that their own needs are unimportant or that setting boundaries leads to withdrawal of love often carries these patterns into adulthood.
• Fear of rejection: Many people fear that by setting their own boundaries, they will hurt others or be rejected.
• Perfectionism: The desire to please everyone prevents clear demarcation.
• Lack of role models: Anyone who has never experienced what healthy boundaries look like must learn this skill from scratch.

How does the learning process work?

Learning to set boundaries is like learning a new language: At first it feels unfamiliar and awkward. Over time it becomes more natural.

Phase 1: Becoming Aware

The first step is to recognize where your own boundaries are:

• Where do I feel discomfort?
• In which situations do I say yes when I mean no?
• Which relationships or situations cost me particularly much energy?

Phase 2: Training Physical Perception

As described in previous chapters: Setting your own boundaries begins with the ability to perceive physical signals. Use the exercises from Chapter 4 to strengthen your self-contact.

Phase 3: Taking Small Steps

Start with small, low-risk situations:

• "No, I don't want coffee. Instead I'll have…" It's important to open a new space after a boundary, only this way do you remain in relationship!
• "I need time for myself tonight. And tomorrow I'd be happy to tell you what thoughts I had and what was occupying me."
• "Please don't interrupt me, I want to finish my thought. Then I'd be happy to hear your feedback."

Phase 4: Reflection and Adjustment

After each boundary-setting, it's helpful to reflect:

• How did the boundary feel?
• How did the other person react?
• What would I do differently next time?

Phase 5: Integration and Solidification

Over time, boundaries become an inner attitude. You sense your boundaries automatically and communicate them clearly without having to justify yourself.

Support in the Learning Process

• Psychotherapy or Counseling: Professional guidance can help recognize old patterns and practice new behaviors.
• Self-help groups: Exchange with others who have similar challenges can be relieving and empowering.
• Books and Resources: There are many helpful books on the topic boundary-setting books that combine practical exercises and theoretical knowledge.
• Coaching and Workshops: A coaching exercise on boundary-setting in a protected setting can help try out new behaviors. Many therapists and coaches also use boundary-setting worksheets like habit trackers as structured aids for self-reflection.

Important: Learning to set boundaries doesn't mean becoming perfect at it overnight. It means staying with yourself a little bit more each day – and that is already a great success.

6 | Conclusion

Setting boundaries is not a question of selfishness or harshness – it is an act of self-care, clarity, and capacity for relationships. Healthy boundaries don't separate, but enable genuine encounter – with ourselves and with others.

The central insight of this article: Boundaries don't first arise in the mind, but in the body. Anyone who wants to learn to set clear boundaries must first perceive and respect their own physical signals. Embodiment, mindfulness, and self-contact are the foundations for authentic boundary-setting.

What we have learned:

• Boundaries begin in the body (Chapter 2): Tightness, tension, restlessness, or spaciousness are physical signals that show us where our boundaries lie.
• Boundaries are contact surfaces (Chapter 3): Gestalt therapy teaches us that boundaries are not walls, but living membranes that first make encounter possible.
• Self-contact is the key (Chapter 4): Only those who remain present with themselves can communicate and act clearly – even under stress.
• Words are tools (Chapter 4): Concrete formulations help communicate boundaries clearly and respectfully.
• Setting boundaries is learnable (Chapter 5): It is a process that requires patience, practice, and self-compassion.

The Way Forward

Maintaining self-contact in stressful situations means feeling your own boundary in the body, understanding feelings as signals, and consciously acting from them.

Those who consciously perceive their boundaries react clearly, calmly, and self-determinedly instead of getting lost in stress or guilt. Body, breath, and attention are thereby the best allies to come back to yourself at any time.

Only in self-contact do we find the right words to establish healthy boundaries and still remain able to communicate. This way the boundary doesn't have a separating effect, but a clarifying one.

Learning to set boundaries doesn't mean becoming perfect at it overnight. It means staying with yourself a little bit more each day – and that is already a great success.

Those who can follow their need for withdrawal, pause, or reflection, who can set and maintain their own boundaries, not only protect their own energy but can be more authentic and free in relationships – with themselves, with partners, with children, with colleagues, and with family.

Boundaries are not walls. They are bridges to self-determination.

Professional Support for Setting Boundaries

If you have difficulty setting healthy boundaries in relationships or dealing with children, I support you in developing self-contact and clear communication – for more clarity and inner peace.

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